Moving Abroad for Love: 15 Questions to Ask Before You Pack

At some point in most long-distance relationships, one of you says it out loud: "What if I just moved?"

It's a lovely moment. It's also the start of the biggest decision either of you will make for a while. The couples who handle it well tend to be the ones who asked each other a few unromantic questions first.

Here are fifteen of them. Our suggestion: answer them separately, then compare notes over dinner or a long video call. The places where your answers differ are where the useful conversations are.

Three things that aren't up for discussion

Before the questions, three rules we'd give anyone moving countries for a partner, however solid the relationship feels:

• Your own passport. It stays with you. Nobody keeps it "safe" for you: not your partner, not their family, not an agency.
• Your own money. A bank account in your name, and savings only you can touch.
• Your own way home. Enough money for a ticket back, and your embassy's phone number saved in your phone.

Your partner may be wonderful. These rules are still for you, so that you never stay anywhere only because leaving isn't possible.

The two of you

1. How much time have we actually spent together in person?

Holidays count for less than you'd think. Two weeks of sightseeing and dinners out is very different from a wet Tuesday in February when you're both tired and the washing machine has broken. Plenty of couples who met online have spent surprisingly few days in the same room. If that's you, nothing is wrong with the relationship. You just need more ordinary time together before the big step. A longer visit, or a trial stay of a few months if visas allow, will tell you more than another year of holidays.

2. Why is it me who's moving?

Sometimes the answer is obvious: one of you has a job that travels well, speaks the other's language or has fewer ties at home. Sometimes it's simply assumed, and that's when resentment grows later. Talk it through on purpose. Whose career is easier to take abroad? Whose visa route is simpler? Whose parents will need help in ten years? Then ask the question people are scared to ask: would you move for me, if it were the other way round?

It's also worth thinking about a third country where you'd both be newcomers. Some couples find that fairer than one person giving up everything.

3. What will the first year look like?

Expect a dip. The first weeks are often exciting. Then the paperwork, the language and the loneliness catch up. Talk now about the support you'll need and what your partner can realistically give.

Picture this: he moves to her city because she speaks the language and he doesn't. A few months later his remote job is cut. He starts blaming the move, and she stops asking about his day because every answer turns into an argument. Nobody did anything terrible, and they still ended up miserable.

That's why we like agreeing on two check-ins before you move, one at six months and one at a year. Sit down, ask honestly how it's going, and keep a real option to change the plan.

Already there, and the dip is lasting longer than you hoped? Read what to try when you've moved abroad for love and you're unhappy.

Papers, work and money

4. What's the legal route, and what does it depend on?

Visa and residence rules depend on your citizenship, your partner's, and sometimes on whether you're married. They also change often. Get your information from the official government website of the country you're moving to, not from forums, and consider paying for a consultation with a qualified immigration lawyer.

One thing to look at carefully: whether your right to stay would depend on your partner. In many countries a partner or spouse visa is tied to the relationship. That's normal, but it means one of you holds more power than the other, at least for a while. Say that out loud to each other.

5. Can I work there, and when?

This is the gap that catches people out. Depending on the country and the visa, you may not be allowed to work until a permit comes through. Getting a professional qualification recognised can take many months, sometimes more than a year, and some jobs need the local language. Plan for a stretch with no income.

Say you're a nurse. In many countries you'd need your qualification recognised and a language certificate before you could work on a ward again, and neither happens quickly. Months of waiting are much easier when you knew about them in advance and saved for them. If you can work remotely instead, check that your visa allows it and find out where you'd pay tax.

6. How will money work between us?

Make an actual plan: how much you've saved, how long you could live with no income (many people aim for about six months of expenses), what life really costs in your new city, and how you'll split costs while one of you isn't earning. If one partner supports the other for a while, agree on how that works, so it never turns into "my money" during an argument.

Talk about family obligations too. If your partner helps support their parents, or expects to one day, that's part of your shared budget now. Better to put it on the table before the move than to stumble on it later.

7. What about healthcare, tax and my pension?

Find out how you'll be covered in the first months: through work, the public system or private insurance. Ask what happens to your tax residence and your pension contributions back home. Nobody's idea of romance, we know. All of it is much easier to sort out before you go than after.

Everyday life

8. Where exactly will we live?

Your partner's flat? A new place you choose together? With their parents, at least at first? In some cultures living with family is completely normal, so make sure "we'll live together" means the same thing to both of you. Finding out on arrival that "our place" is the spare room at their parents' house is a rough start, even if the parents are lovely.

Think about distance as well. If their family lives five minutes away and yours is a flight away, that imbalance will shape every weekend and every holiday.

9. How will I learn the language?

Start before you move. Your partner can help, but they shouldn't become your full-time translator.

Picture month two: you still can't buy a metro ticket or call a plumber on your own, and your partner, who loves you, is quietly exhausted from translating everything. Nobody is doing anything wrong, and it still wears you both down.

Classes, apps, conversation groups: whatever gets you to the point where you can see a doctor or argue with a landlord without help.

10. How will I make my own friends?

Loneliness comes up again and again when people talk about moving for love. Your partner already has friends, colleagues and family nearby. You're starting from zero. Think about where you'll find your people: a language class, a sports club, volunteering, a group for people from your country, colleagues once you can work. And talk about how your partner will include you, and about you sometimes doing your own thing.

11. Have I seen the place at its worst?

Visit in the hardest season if you can: the dark winter, the hottest summer, the rainy months. Spend a few days doing ordinary things like the supermarket, the bank and the bus. Food, shop hours and the way people queue and drive will affect your mood far more than any landmark.

12. How will we share life at home?

Chores, cooking, how often family visits, whose holidays you celebrate. Expectations about who does what at home differ between cultures, and between families in the same culture. Agree on how many trips home you'll budget for each year, and how you'll split annual leave, so that every holiday doesn't turn into a visit to one set of parents.

The long game

13. How do our families feel about it?

Your partner's family will become a much bigger part of your life once you live nearby. Your own family may find it hard that you're leaving. You'll miss birthdays and weddings, and sometimes worse. Talk about how often you'll go home and who pays for it.

14. Where do we see ourselves in five or ten years?

Do you want children, and which language would they speak at home? Would you stay in this country for good, or move to yours one day? Who would look after ageing parents on each side?

If children are part of the plan, know that moving a child between countries after a separation can be legally complicated. That's a question for official sources or a family lawyer, not a blog, but it's worth knowing before you start a family abroad.

You don't need final answers to any of this. You do need to know you're heading in the same direction.

15. What's our plan B?

If the job, the country or the relationship doesn't work out, how would you get home, and what would you go back to? Life at home moves on while you're away: friends move, flats get rented, jobs get filled. Keep your documents, your savings and your way home in place, as in the three rules at the top. With a way back in place, staying becomes something you choose every day. That's how it should be.

The 15 questions in one list

Copy them into your notes. Answer separately, then compare.

1. How much time have we spent together in person, on ordinary days?
2. Why is it me who's moving, and would you move for me?
3. What will the first year look like, and when are our check-ins?
4. What's the legal route, and does my right to stay depend on you?
5. When can I work, and what will I do until then?
6. How will money work between us, including family obligations?
7. How will I get healthcare, and what happens to my tax and pension?
8. Where exactly will we live, and how close to whose family?
9. How will I learn the language?
10. How will I make my own friends?
11. Have I seen the place at its worst?
12. How will we share chores, holidays and trips home?
13. How do our families feel about it?
14. Where do we see ourselves in five or ten years?
15. What's our plan B?

A few questions people often ask

How long should you date before moving countries for someone?
There's no magic number. What matters more is how much ordinary, everyday time you've spent together. A trial stay of a few months, if visas allow, tells you more than a year of holidays.

Do we have to be married for me to move?
It depends on the country. Some offer visas for unmarried partners or fiancé(e)s; others mostly recognise marriage. Check the official government website for your situation.

Can I work while my partner visa is being processed?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends on the country and the type of visa. Find out before you hand in your notice at your current job.

What happens if we break up after I move?
Depending on your visa, your right to stay may end with the relationship. That's one more reason to keep your own savings, your documents and a plan for getting home.

Is it worth moving abroad for love?
It can be. The moves that work best are the ones both people actually chose, with their eyes open about the hard parts.

And if you're not at this stage yet and still looking for that person, Bridesa is where people from different countries meet in the first place. It's free.

Cover photo: Cameron Cox / Unsplash