Moved Abroad for Love and Unhappy? What to Try Before You Decide

A woman sitting on a window sill, looking outside

It's three o'clock on a Tuesday. Your partner is at work. You can't work yet, and the only conversation you've had today was with the cashier at the supermarket, in a language you don't really speak. You love this person. You also feel more alone than you've ever felt.

If that sounds familiar, two things are worth saying first. You're not ungrateful, and you haven't failed. Moving countries is one of the hardest things a person can do, and plenty of people who move for love hit a wall somewhere in the first year, usually after the excitement wears off and before a real life has had time to grow around them.

This post won't tell you whether to stay or go. It's about working out what's actually making you unhappy, what's worth trying first, and how to decide when you're ready.

First, work out what's actually wrong

Unhappiness after a move usually comes from one of three places, and they need very different fixes.

The move itself. Loneliness, no work, a language you can't use yet, food that isn't yours, a winter you're not used to. This is the hard first year, and it often gets better with time and structure.

The relationship. You don't feel heard, decisions are made for you, or the person you visited on holidays behaves differently now that you depend on them. This doesn't get better on its own.

Both. That's common. A hard move puts pressure on any relationship, and a shaky relationship makes any move harder.

Two questions help untangle it:

  • Would I be happy with this person if we lived in my country?
  • Would I be happy in this country if I were single?

If your answer to the first is yes and to the second is no, the problem is probably the move, and that's the more fixable one. If the first answer is no, take that seriously, wherever you live.

The reasons that come up again and again

When people describe why they're unhappy after moving for a partner, the same few things keep coming up:

  • Loneliness. Your partner's friends, colleagues and family are theirs. You started from zero.
  • Losing your work, and with it a piece of yourself. Waiting for a permit or for a qualification to be recognised can take months. Going from a career to an empty day is hard on anyone.
  • Depending on your partner for everything. Every phone call, every form, every doctor's appointment goes through them. It wears you both out.
  • An uneven family map. Their family is down the road. Yours is a flight away, and somehow every holiday is spent with theirs.
  • Money that isn't yours. If you aren't earning, asking for money for small things slowly changes how you feel in the relationship.
  • Expectations nobody said out loud. Living with the in-laws, who cooks and cleans, how often family visits, how traditional the household is.

None of these mean you made a mistake. They're predictable side effects of moving, and most of them can be worked on.

What to try before you decide

1. Say it plainly

Not as a complaint, and not in the middle of an argument. Choose a calm moment and say it as it is: "I'm not okay here, and I need us to work on it together." A partner who loves you will want to know. How they react tells you a lot.

2. Get one thing that's only yours

A weekly class, a sports club, a volunteering shift, a part-time job if you're allowed to work. Something at a fixed time, outside the home, that has nothing to do with your partner. It gives your week a shape and gives you something to talk about other than how hard everything is.

3. Make the language a project

Your partner can't be your teacher, your translator and your only friend at the same time. A proper course, even a few hours a week, changes everyday life faster than anything else: the shop, the doctor, the neighbour. Many cities run free or cheap classes for newcomers, so ask at the town hall or the local library.

4. Build friendships on purpose

When you're new, friendships rarely happen by accident. Try groups for people from your country, language exchange meetups and newcomer communities, online and offline. Aim for one coffee with someone new each week. It feels forced at first. It works anyway.

5. Have some money of your own

An account in your own name, and some money that's yours, even if it's a small amount while you're not earning. Talk about it as a practical arrangement, not a favour. It's much easier to feel like an equal when you don't have to ask for every bus ticket.

6. Put home on the calendar

Book your next trip home, or invite your family to visit. Set regular calls with the people who know you best. Knowing when you'll see them next makes the time in between easier.

7. Agree on a check-in

Instead of deciding everything tonight, agree on a date with your partner, three or six months from now, and on what should be different by then: a language level, a job search, a few friends, how money and chores work. Then review it honestly, together.

8. Talk to someone outside the relationship

A counsellor or therapist can help you separate what's the move from what's the relationship, and many offer online sessions in your own language. If you ever feel hopeless or think about harming yourself, contact local emergency services or a crisis line straight away.

When it isn't about the country

Some things aren't culture shock, and no amount of language classes will fix them:

  • Your partner keeps your passport or other documents "safe" and won't give them back.
  • They control all the money, check your phone or decide who you can see.
  • They threaten your visa status: "If you leave me, you'll be deported."
  • They stop you from working or learning the language when you're legally allowed to.

That's control, not culture. Keep your documents with you, talk to someone you trust, and look up local support services for domestic abuse in the country where you live. Your embassy or consulate can also help its citizens in difficult situations.

If you decide to go home

Going home is not a failure. Sometimes it's the healthiest decision for both people. If you're leaning that way, plan it properly:

  • Keep your passport, residence documents and other important papers with you.
  • Check on the official government website what leaving means for your residence permit, especially if you might want to come back one day.
  • Put money aside for the move and for the first months back home.
  • If you have children together, get legal advice before you leave. Taking a child to another country without the other parent's consent can count as child abduction under international law, even for a parent.

If you decide to stay

Make it a decision rather than something that just happens. Write down what needs to change, agree on it with your partner, and keep checking in. Staying tends to go much better when, by the second year, you have your own routine, your own friends and your own money. You deserve all three.

And if you're reading this before a move rather than after one, our 15 questions to ask before you move abroad for love might save you some of this.

Cover photo: Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash

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